Goodbye 2012

Last week was vacation time for me. It's the first time in many months that I wasn't taking sick time or vacation time for cancer. To say it was a nice change, is an understatement.

Yeah, 2012 was probably not my favorite year. But it sure was an educational one.

Never once, before my May breast cancer diagnosis, did I think cancer would be something that would touch me personally. I figured my chances of getting hit by a bus were just as great as getting breast cancer, mostly because I didn't have a history of breast cancer in my family.

Well, I'm quite glad I had cancer, instead of getting hit by a bus. It's true that I will always have a certain nagging "Is the cancer going to come back" feeling in the back of my mind. But at the same time, facing down this disease gives me a greater appreciation of what I have.

I was reading Jon Gordon's e-letter that shared 20 Tips for a Positive New Year, and his #13 really hit me: "Believe that everything happens for a reason and expect good things to come out of challenging experiences."

I know it may seem maudlin, but I have decided that cancer was a wake-up call for me to appreciate all that is in my life, more. To appreciate the quiet. The solitude. The noise. The days when several people  want something from me at the same time. The frustration when I'm late for a meeting but my daughter needs a little extra TLC. I realize now that it's all good.

So today, I say goodbye to 2012 and the person I was, and welcome 2013 as the person I hope I can remember to be.

A very, VERY thankful one.

Christmas Village

You know how some people have these wonderful Christmas Village lighted houses, churches, bakeries, sweet shoppes and all that other stuff displayed at their homes? They probably include a walkway, cotton balls for snow and it all looks very Christmas-like and festive.

The Christmas Village at My Two Acres looks like a scene from Indiana Jones (Lego version), courtesy of my son.

It may not be exactly festive, but it's unique. So I'm letting it stay!

I hope you and your families have a joyous Christmas!!!

Winter wonderland

It snowed this morning, but the sun came out this afternoon and to say the scenery was breathtaking is an understatement. I snapped a few photos in the yard, but these don't do the scenery justice by a long shot. (A little bad photographer humor, there!)

I feel like I'm forgetting something

This is the first Monday in many, many Mondays that I haven't been to the doctor for a chemo treatment or a doctor appointment.

I feel a little weird. Like I'm forgetting something.

Well, actually, I'm forgetting a lot of things. Chemo brain, you know. I suspect this will be this way for a while, so I better get better at writing everything down.

First, I have to REMEMBER to write things down.

No. First, I need a place to to write it. And I keep forgetting to buy that, too!

Before  chemo, maybe a year or so ago, I had a magnetic "grocery list" on the refrigerator. Then it ran out of paper and I forgot to replace it. I bought it at the grocery store that I go to just about every day, sometimes even twice a day. And I keep forgetting to buy it. Because it isn't on a list. Because I don't have the paper to create the list.

Do you see where this is going?

Yep, nowhere, fast.

So I decided today, after forgetting yet again to buy the magnetic grocery list at the grocery store, to write what I need on the back of a deposit slip in my checkbook. That is always with me when I go to the store (although there have been many times, lately, that I have checked my purse three or four times to make sure I didn't forget my checkbook).

Now, I only need to remember that, that is where my list is!

Yes, chemo brain is definitely real. I am not only experiencing it, but apparently researchers have studied it and get this: People who have had chemo, particularly for things like breast cancer, have smaller brains. (No smart remarks from the big-brained section, please!)

Yep. My brain has shrunk. To be honest, it kinda sucks for someone who is supposed to be coming up with words for a living.

Sometimes I get really frustrated when the words in my smaller brain won't come out of my same-sized mouth.

I could be this way for a little while, or a very long while. But either way, I guess it's better than the alternative; not being here at all.

And at least I didn't forget that I DIDN'T have a doctor appointment today, for the first time in many, many Mondays! See, there's always a bright side to everything!

Christmas list addendum

Could you turn down a 10-year-old's addendum to her Christmas list if it was written like this? Precocious? Maybe. Precious? Definitely! (She even did the math on the back side to determine how much this addition was going to cost.)

Something OTHER than cancer

I went to the dentist this morning. It was refreshing to go to a doctor appointment for something other than cancer.

It really hit me as I was walking out of the building. In fact, I teared up a little. It wasn't because I had a good checkup (no cavities). And I don't even think it was because the chemo drugs are ushering me into that "change of life," deal and I'm just more emotional.

Truly, I think it was because I realized that, by doing "normal" doctoring stuff, I was a step closer to going back to my "normal" life.

I use "normal" in quotations, because my normal will be forever altered. It's a new normal. Not a bad one. Just new. In fact, come to think of it, probably a better normal. Better, because I think cancer has made me really stop and realize how good I have it, and how much more appreciation I should have for, well, just about everything. And I do.

I appreciate doctors. And tests. And regular check-ups. I can't honestly say that I did, before cancer.

I appreciate how the dog whines and bugs me for attention and how I now take a little extra time to scratch his belly.

I appreciate how my husband went with me to every appointment and treatment. And believe me, there have been plenty of appointments and treatments. He has been a rock. And a saint.

I appreciate how, when my daughter is sitting on the couch, she looks at me with her beautiful blue eyes and pats the couch with her hand, basically saying, "Mom, come sit with me."

I appreciate how my son makes a special trip downstairs from his "lair" to say hi and give me a hug.

I appreciate sunrises. And frost. And Christmas lights. And the smell of cinnamon pine cones. And cheddar cheese popcorn. And a good hamburger. And a cup of coffee. And friends; wonderful friends who have encouraged me every step of the way.

There are so many other things that I appreciate that I'm starting to get a little teary again.

Oh gosh, that reminds me, I need to make an appointment and go appreciate my eye doctor!

Phase One: Done!

Chemo is done. It was a pretty good day. I got roses from my husband. He also gave all the chemo nurses a rose, and my chemo charm bracelet was topped off with a wine charm. I have been avoiding wine but this weekend, I plan to celebrate with a glass of wine. Maybe even two!

Usually, I go to bed early the day I have chemo. But since it was the last one, I was feeling pretty darn spunky. We went to the capitol tree lighting ceremony, took my son for a haircut and went out for supper. Then I stayed up and washed clothes and dried 'em. It was 11:30 p.m. before I went to bed.

I was kind of surprised how much energy I had, just knowing it was my last chemo treatment. Apparently, it was a bigger deal to me than I realized it was.

Funny how that is, isn't it? When you are in the middle of something, you don't realize how it is affecting you. Then when you are done, you are either SO happy you are done, or so sad you are done (depending on what it is you are doing) that you surprise yourself.

And all the wonderful wishes I got from family and friends for BEING done just made me that more energized. People are so wonderful!

Like my friend and co-worker Lisa. She "pinked" my office while I was doing my last chemo yesterday, and this is what I was greeted by this morning:

It was so sweet, it almost brought me to tears.

Next week, I meet with the radiation doctor, and it is then that I will probably find out when I start radiation. I have a little radiation trepidation, but this too shall pass.